Memorandum

Dear Employees,

In light of recent events, all further communication will now be done via memo.

Please remember that, when a customer enters the sales area, clothing is not optional. All human rights complaints regarding freedom of expression and freedom of religion remain pending, and until they are resolved, clothing is required.

Please ensure that your desktop workstations are used only for work. Any employee caught self-pleasuring or purchasing video games through online retailers will be chastised once, then fired. Please check your contracts; it’s in there.

Please remember that no pets are allowed on premises, especially avian pets.

All those who are concerned about air quality are welcome to get it tested; we have vetted the possibilities, and will pay for air testing through McCormick’s Air. All concerns about conflict of interest can be directed to HR.

Finally, please keep in mind that we share the air. Those employees coming to work with Ebola are encouraged to use their sick days, receiving forty percent of their pay for staying home.

Thank you. All complaints about this or future memos will be ignored.

Sincerely,

The Management

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