My Friends

Sylvia stood in front of the packed stadium and held up her hands. People cheered.

“My friends, my fellow countrymen. I stand before you today a soon-to-be victor in this race to lead our great country. The greatest country in the world!”

People screamed and shouted. Some fainted, were caught by those behind, and immediately came to again. Sylvia smiled.

“My friends, we have a lot of work to do to clean up this country. People like you have been working hard under my opponent, trying their darnedest to keep things running smoothly. I know it hasn’t been easy, and I hope you can all hold out just a little longer. Because I promise you, ladies and gentlemen, when I’m elected I will pick up the broom and the mop myself and clean up the whole damned office, knocking every speck of dust from my opponent’s tenure until we have a clean, bright, sparkling white nation again!”

Again the people cheered for her.

“My friends. In the past few days, I know we’ve heard some troubling reports. My competitor, lacking any policy to discuss, decided instead to point out my past reporting of a UFO. Well I will say to you, I did see a flying object which I could not identify. It was a strange thing, it hovered over my town for about an hour, darting back and forth. I didn’t know what it was, so I made a report of everything my little eight-year-old eyes saw. The light streaked away, heading south, and, as I understand it, crashed into the ocean some time later. I never did get an answer from the authorities about what I saw that day, and you know what? We still aren’t getting an answer from my opponent about what is in that report!”

Boos filled the air around her, and Sylvia grinned.

“He’s the one that did a Freedom of Information request, so I ask him now, I challenge him, why won’t you let that information be free? If you want to mock my childish report, why won’t you release the conclusion?

“My friends, I stand before you, planning great things for our great nation. But most of all, I plan to continue the tradition of freedom and majesty that we have enjoyed throughout our young history, and long into the future! Join me in that freedom!”

The stadium erupted once more into sustained applause and cheers. People smiled and screamed, pumping fists into the air, while Sylvia stood before them, holding her arms high, already triumphant.


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