Rutabaga Revolution

Friends, neighbours, my fellow countrymen! We have lived under the rule of these liberal elites for too long! For too long have we been subject to whatever little whim they have! ‘De-segregrate’, they commanded us, despite experts showing the problems this would cause! ‘Stop smoking’ they proclaimed, despite the fact that doctors – doctors, the very guardians of health – smoked and proclaimed its innocence.

But this time, my fellow people, the ivory tower has gone too far!

Look at that, even the name ivory tower. It says something, doesn’t it? Ivory, that rare material from elephant tusks. Elephants who are poached to near-extinction, all so these leftist pinkos can have their tower from which to command we the common people I ask you ladies and gentlemen what kind of foulness is this?!

This ivory tower liberal elite is now seeking to take away our last and only joy in this world. A joy we barely even realize is there, so entrenched is it in our culture.

I’m talking, my friends, about the lowly rutabaga!

The sweet vegetable of nutrition. The thing we all eat, and now they try to tell us it is contaminated with mercury? We cannot turn up our noses at this slight! We must fight back! If the liberal dictators have sullied our rutabagas, it’s from their own policies of open borders and easy trade, destroying our jobs for the sake of immigrants and their own wealth! And for what? To take more! To take our peace, our happy habits and now, to take our food!

Well no more! The rutabaga is the last straw! We must rise up and root out this problem, and if it means forcing a neep down every damn throat, so help me God I will!

Join me, my fellows! They may take our communities, but they can pry these vegetables from my cold, dead hands!

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