Eve’s Pantry

“Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to Eve’s Pantry. I’m your host, celebrity chef Eve Norville, and today, we’ll be talking squash. Specifically, acorn squash.

“Now, as many of you know, the acorn squash is called an acorn squash because it has a habit of overwhelming, and in fact absorbing, any nearby acorns as a means of nutrition and sustenance. They’re voracious little things, and love to break acorns down, turning those sweet little oak nuts into food. Kind of like when you’ve just had too much of the kids next door, and you want to just slaughter them and bake them into a nice meat pie! Hee hee!

“Okay, first you want to get your stove on medium heat. Put a good-sized nonstick pan on there, and add a healthy dollop of butter to melt. While it does, take your best knife and cut that acorn squash in half. Inside, you’ll find some sticky goop and seeds that you’ll need to clean up with your hands. Maybe your mouth, depending on how you’re producer’s feeling that day, hee hee! Okay, here we go, just lift it out, and oops! Right down the shirt. That’s a good reminder, ladies and gentlemen, when you’re cleaning out your squash, you probably don’t want to wear one of these low-cut numbers, unless you love the feeling of that slick, slimy stuff sliding down between your breasts. Oh, who am I kidding, who doesn’t love that feeling!

“Now, once clean, slice the orange off that rind, and chop it into cubes, like I’ve done here. Toss it in your pan, and cover it to let it cook. Let it soften, then toss in your spices. Today, we’re adding a bit of cumin, a bit of turmeric, and just a hint of dill.

“‘But Eve!’ I hear you yell, to which I reply by turning my back to you. Hee hee! No but seriously, ‘But Eve, do cumin, turmeric, and dill go together?’ Well, probably, dear viewers. The only way to find out is to try!

“And here we are with the finished product. You see the squash is all nice and orange, and it leaves this slick yellow grease behind it when you push it around on the plate, that’s actually the juice from all the acorns it absorbed. Very good for you, very healthy. So just pop a bit in your mouth, and then you hop up and down in excitement! Mmm! So good!

“Well folks, that’s it for Eve’s Pantry. As you know, this is our last show, unless the producers cave on my lawsuits about exploitation and extortion. So, maybe see you next time, or maybe see you online!”


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