Quinton was a punctual man.
It was his habit, ever since he was a child, to show up early. Often, this meant he arrived to birthday parties or friends’ events some thirty to forty minutes before they started. Through this, Quinton became adept at handling stilted conversation.
It was, then, the case that when Juliana, his dear, loving fiancé, was late for their wedding, that Quinton was able to handle the waiting audience.
“Ladies and Gentlemen,” he began. “I’m not worried.” Everyone chuckled nervously.
“Really, though, I’m not. Juliana is a lovely person, and wouldn’t do something so callous as to leave me alone at the alter. I know this. And you do too, if you really know her.” Quinton took a breath and straightened his bowtie. Behind him, the priest’s eyes were wide with worry.
“You should know that Juliana and I have one ever-present failing in our relationship. And that is that I am perpetually punctual, while she is consistently late. I won’t lie, it has led to a few…disagreements between us. John, if you’ll remember the time I was late for the Christmas party?” A balding man in the middle of left audience’s side laughed. “Well, late for me. We were still the first people there, and I suppose that was ‘fashionably late’, but I was distraught the whole time! It was because Juliana held me back, saying we should show up later. No one would be there, she said. She was right, of course, but still it rankled.
“What I’m trying to say, folks, is not to worry. I’m sure she’s just being her usual fashionable self. Maybe they needed to fix some dire emergency. A missing earring, a torn piece of tule, – ”
“Some sexy lingerie for tonight!” Someone yelled.
“I see my soon-to-be-uncle Larry is here, hello Larry.” Quinton said.
“Woooooo!” Larry replied.
“Anyway, we’ll just wait patiently for her to arrive. In the meantime, allow me to demonstrate my, uh…impressions! I’ll do some impressions.”
When Juliana finally arrived, Quinton was halfway through his greatest Grandma Hannah, and the audience, save Grandma Hannah herself, was in stitches. She let him finish before making her grand entrance.