Dear Mr. Francis,
I am writing to you in regards to a particular issue that presented itself on my most recent trip to your grocery establishment. I had recently run out of pickles to put in my soups, you see, and was in need of more. It is not often I purchase pickles from the grocery store, but in the absence of the time necessary to engage in my own pickling, I decided I would make do with yours. So, upon entrance to the store, I began to make my way through the aisles in search of pickles.
Sir, I have no need to tell you, as you work there every day, that you have many products on your shelves. As I wound my way through your culinary labyrinth, I began to find myself parched and in need of refreshment, as well as being mildly frightened of an appearance by David Bowie. After making my way to the cash register and purchasing a diet carbonated beverage, I continued my quest, refreshed and armed with some remaining liquid should the need arise.
I soon discovered, however, that your pickle aisle, aside from being much too far from the entrance, was also sadly understocked. I could find only two types: dill pickles and bread and butter pickles. It seemed that the pickle world had been reduced to such meaningless tripe since the days of self-preserving went out the window. My mother taught me the fine art of pickling, and her mother before her, back 8 generations, to my great great great great great great grandmother, Mrs. Dotty Jamieson, the pickle queen of Halifax (I’m certain you’ve heard the tale of the Great Pickle-Off; yes, that Dotty Jamieson).
Sir, please allow me to educate you: there are many type and styles of pickling, and to leave your customers so sadly under-pickled is woefully disappointing. I would therefore like to offer my services as a master pickler, providing you with new and interesting varieties of, and innovations to, pickles when possible. Zucchini pickles and mustard pickles are definitely in wont, to begin with.
Should you wish to discuss this further, please contact me at the information below. Regardless, I do hope you rectify this woefully inadequate pickle situation.
Mr. Brian Jamieson